Tuesday, 12 April 2011
well...it's been forever. Almost 2 years since I was actually succeeding at losing weight and having any semblance of control over my eating "habits". 2 years that I've been very bulimic and very fat. I need someone to come into my life and kick my ass. To make me hate them for pushing me too hard, but as a result love myself for what I accomplish. I've never been good at motivating myself. Back when i was a swimmer for 10 years, I hate the biggest asshole for a couch...but in a weird way I loved the way he would scream shit at me and I would just take it and push myself so fucking hard.
I'm hoping that this summer I will be able to get back on track. I've been living away from my parents for 2 years straight, and the last time I got down to 130 (I'm 170 now) was when I lived at home, because it is almost impossible for me to binge/purge cuz one of them is always around. Plus I hate them so much that going out to exercise for hours is more fun than staying at home. Living with my best friend in an apartment just gives me tons of time to buy shitty food, shovel in my face, then barf it up gloriously after she's gone to bed. Gross. It's kind of ironic, I'm getting my bachelor's degree in psyc this summer (finished my second to last exam a few hours ago actually...woo hoo), and i'm minoring in nutrition. And yet, I have an eating disorder and major anxiety issues.
About a month ago, my roommate confronted me about my bulimia and I did not handle it well. I never handle confrontation well. I pretty much just sat there, not looking at her, letting her talk and just mumbling shit. She's the best person I know, and not judgmental at all, and I can't lie to her so I didn't even try. But it's almost worse that she's so great, because something in my brain automatically rejects any hint that someone cares about me. A voice hops on any indication of the sort and says "pfft, yeah right, you HAVE to say that because you're my friend/parent/sister".
Anyways, so we had an awkward talk one night, then the next night she told my other good friend (which I'm actually pretty pissed about, because I already have trust issues due to past cheating and shit), but she said that she couldn't handle it on her own, and my other friend has a sister who was bulimic so she thought that she would be better equipped to talk to me. w/e. It is just funny....well not funny, but weird listening to them tell me things and ask certain questions as if they had never crossed my mind. I mean, I've spent hours and hours just reading articles and studies, and things on the internet, and studying ED's and mental disorders in class, and they...read a pamphlet when they found out about me. It's like,..."oh, no, I didn't realize it is dangerous and unhealthy, thanks for that insight, I'll stop now". Noooot quite. Ok, I'm completely exaggerating out of frustration, they are not that ignorant. But it's just annoying, because everything always says, "if a friend is suffering from an ED, talk to them about it, they need your support". But I am NOT like that. Having ppl know has just sent my anxiety levels through the roof for the past month, and therefore made my binge/purge like 3 times more. And now I tend to avoid them more too, even though they are my best friends, just for fear that they'll bring it up, or I'll say something suspicious and stuff. So I'm pretty much just ashamed/embarrassed, lonely, anxious and depressed. Oh, and FAT as FUCK. bleh.
At least I'm almost done school for the time being. Eventually I want to go to film school in vancouver but I have 0 dollars...and it'll probably cost close to 55,000...sooo yeah. That'll take a few years to save up. :( I've been lucky enough to have parents who paid for me to get my BA, and this'll be the first time that I have to become fully financially independent and it is stressing me out. I mean, there is nothing that I can even think to do with my degree. A BA in psyc is pretty dang useless, especially if you are afraid to talk to people. FML.
WOW, didn't mean to write that much, but, as the title suggest, it's all just ramblings of a sleep-deprived/big fat whiner's brain. Time to go submerse myself in the fantasy world of Robert Jordan's 'wheel of time' series before bed, to try to induce pleasant dreams :P