Tuesday, 12 April 2011
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random ramblings...
well...it's been forever. Almost 2 years since I was actually succeeding at losing weight and having any semblance of control over my eating "habits". 2 years that I've been very bulimic and very fat. I need someone to come into my life and kick my ass. To make me hate them for pushing me too hard, but as a result love myself for what I accomplish. I've never been good at motivating myself. Back when i was a swimmer for 10 years, I hate the biggest asshole for a couch...but in a weird way I loved the way he would scream shit at me and I would just take it and push myself so fucking hard.
I'm hoping that this summer I will be able to get back on track. I've been living away from my parents for 2 years straight, and the last time I got down to 130 (I'm 170 now) was when I lived at home, because it is almost impossible for me to binge/purge cuz one of them is always around. Plus I hate them so much that going out to exercise for hours is more fun than staying at home. Living with my best friend in an apartment just gives me tons of time to buy shitty food, shovel in my face, then barf it up gloriously after she's gone to bed. Gross. It's kind of ironic, I'm getting my bachelor's degree in psyc this summer (finished my second to last exam a few hours ago actually...woo hoo), and i'm minoring in nutrition. And yet, I have an eating disorder and major anxiety issues.
About a month ago, my roommate confronted me about my bulimia and I did not handle it well. I never handle confrontation well. I pretty much just sat there, not looking at her, letting her talk and just mumbling shit. She's the best person I know, and not judgmental at all, and I can't lie to her so I didn't even try. But it's almost worse that she's so great, because something in my brain automatically rejects any hint that someone cares about me. A voice hops on any indication of the sort and says "pfft, yeah right, you HAVE to say that because you're my friend/parent/sister".
Anyways, so we had an awkward talk one night, then the next night she told my other good friend (which I'm actually pretty pissed about, because I already have trust issues due to past cheating and shit), but she said that she couldn't handle it on her own, and my other friend has a sister who was bulimic so she thought that she would be better equipped to talk to me. w/e. It is just funny....well not funny, but weird listening to them tell me things and ask certain questions as if they had never crossed my mind. I mean, I've spent hours and hours just reading articles and studies, and things on the internet, and studying ED's and mental disorders in class, and they...read a pamphlet when they found out about me. It's like,..."oh, no, I didn't realize it is dangerous and unhealthy, thanks for that insight, I'll stop now". Noooot quite. Ok, I'm completely exaggerating out of frustration, they are not that ignorant. But it's just annoying, because everything always says, "if a friend is suffering from an ED, talk to them about it, they need your support". But I am NOT like that. Having ppl know has just sent my anxiety levels through the roof for the past month, and therefore made my binge/purge like 3 times more. And now I tend to avoid them more too, even though they are my best friends, just for fear that they'll bring it up, or I'll say something suspicious and stuff. So I'm pretty much just ashamed/embarrassed, lonely, anxious and depressed. Oh, and FAT as FUCK. bleh.
At least I'm almost done school for the time being. Eventually I want to go to film school in vancouver but I have 0 dollars...and it'll probably cost close to 55,000...sooo yeah. That'll take a few years to save up. :( I've been lucky enough to have parents who paid for me to get my BA, and this'll be the first time that I have to become fully financially independent and it is stressing me out. I mean, there is nothing that I can even think to do with my degree. A BA in psyc is pretty dang useless, especially if you are afraid to talk to people. FML.
WOW, didn't mean to write that much, but, as the title suggest, it's all just ramblings of a sleep-deprived/big fat whiner's brain. Time to go submerse myself in the fantasy world of Robert Jordan's 'wheel of time' series before bed, to try to induce pleasant dreams :P
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Comments (10)
You'll do great...maybe we can get in touch when you come to Van.
how tall are you? 170 isn't actually that heavy you know depending on your height. not that it really matters. i hope you figure everything out and that you are eventually able to be free from bulimia and the obsession. i know it's hard...
peace
@somewhatabstractelf - Thanks for the comment :) I'm only 5'5... so somewhat average i guess, but i carry my weight really badly. Even when I was at 130 i had humongous thighs that rubbed together and a massive lower belly issue. I don't think I'll be even "normal" looking until I'm around 110. I'm moving back in with my parents for a while in 2 days, so hopefully that'll trigger some better habits ...
@lil_fatty88 - i don't know, from these measurements you don't seem overweight. i also have enormous thighs, i can relate to that. but i am mainly okay with it. i think you gotta choose to rock it! :D
get healthy--
not too skinny!
yeah hopefully you can choose a lifestyle where you feel better about yourself! try to see the positives about yourself-- and rock them. it's all you can do! :)
Okay. I feel like I know how you feel at some level (although i'm not bulimic)because I know what it's like to just eat junk and always give up on yourself. Since moving back to Texas, it was really hard for me, because I basically gave up on myself and ate junk all the time. When I was living on my own I didn't eat junk and I was pretty healthy. So I realized that I was hurting myself and lying to myself and It made me feel bad. So I decided to start on this detox and the first day I made it with only water, because I kept telling myself that I wasn't going to give up, and with doing that I was able to get through. Maybe the next time you binge don't throw up. Tell yourself 'I'm not going to throw up, I'm going to deal with the consequences and lose weight the right way'. If you don't have a healthy enviroment, change it, make it healthy. Don't lie to yourself like I did. Tell yourself that you can do it. That you can take control the healthy way, and live, because you can and in saying that, you will be telling yourself the truth. And no matter how hard it get, just don't pruge. Fight your thoughts and emotions. You might not the first or second third or fourth time. But eventually you will get so tired or lying to yourself you will find the courage to not purge, and you won't need a coach yelling in your ear telling you that your horrible, because you will be able to push yourself and fight this demon. And remember God is with you, you can over come. Hang in there girl!
'...because something in my brain automatically rejects any hint that
someone cares about me. A voice hops on any indication of the sort and
says "pfft, yeah right, you HAVE to say that because you're my
friend/parent/sister".'
This thought is the crosses my mind frequently. Complements, words of care, support...I can't accept them. Well, I usually can't.
When my friends found out about my bulimia, my anxiety skyrocketed. Like you, I wound up purging more frequently and feeling even worse about it.
Financial independence is something I have not yet achieved. I'm 20. I pray it goes smoothly for you.
It's been 1 year, 8 months since I last struggled with the actions of bulimia. I still have thoughts of it, but it no longer consumes my life. There is hope - you can make it through this.
@fragility_beautiful - thanks for the comment :) I'll keep trying to get my bingeing/ purging under control. Now that i'm back with my parents and am unable to be as secretive, it should get easier ...
@just__one__me - Thanks! I hope that I can get it under control. I've been home for 2.5 days, and so far haven't binged or purged, and have gotten a gym membership and gone for a run...so ...so far so good :)
@lil_fatty88 - I'm so proud of you. You can do it!!!
@lil_fatty88 - That's a good start - keep it up!