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Tuesday, 12 April 2011

  • random ramblings...

     

    well...it's been forever.  Almost 2 years since I was actually succeeding at losing weight and having any semblance of control over my eating "habits". 2 years that I've been very bulimic and very fat. I need someone to come into my life and kick my ass. To make me hate them for pushing me too hard, but as a result love myself for what I accomplish. I've never been good at motivating myself. Back when i was a swimmer for 10 years, I hate the biggest asshole for a couch...but in a weird way I loved the way he would scream shit at me and I would just take it and push myself so fucking hard.

    I'm hoping that this summer I will be able to get back on track. I've been living away from my parents for 2 years straight, and the last time I got down to 130 (I'm 170 now) was when I lived at home, because it is almost impossible for me to binge/purge cuz one of them is always around. Plus I hate them so much that going out to exercise for hours is more fun than staying at home. Living with my best friend in an apartment just gives me tons of time to buy shitty food, shovel in my face, then barf it up gloriously after she's gone to bed. Gross. It's kind of ironic, I'm getting my bachelor's degree in psyc this summer (finished my second to last exam a few hours ago actually...woo hoo), and i'm minoring in nutrition. And yet, I have an eating disorder and major anxiety issues.

    About a month ago, my roommate confronted me about my bulimia and I did not handle it well. I never handle confrontation well. I pretty much just sat there, not looking at her, letting her talk and just mumbling shit. She's the best person I know, and not judgmental at all, and I can't lie to her so I didn't even try. But it's almost worse that she's so great, because something in my brain automatically rejects any hint that someone cares about me. A voice hops on any indication of the sort and says "pfft, yeah right, you HAVE to say that because you're my friend/parent/sister".

    Anyways, so we had an awkward talk one night, then the next night she told my other good friend (which I'm actually pretty pissed about, because I already have trust issues due to past cheating and shit), but she said that she couldn't handle it on her own, and my other friend has a sister who was bulimic so she thought that she would be better equipped to talk to me. w/e. It is just funny....well not funny, but weird listening to them tell me things and ask certain questions as if they had never crossed my mind. I mean, I've spent hours and hours just reading articles and studies, and things on the internet, and studying ED's and mental disorders in class, and they...read a pamphlet when they found out about me. It's like,..."oh, no, I didn't realize it is dangerous and unhealthy, thanks for that insight, I'll stop now". Noooot quite. Ok, I'm completely exaggerating out of frustration, they are not that ignorant. But it's just annoying, because everything always says, "if a friend is suffering from an ED, talk to them about it, they need your support". But I am NOT like that. Having ppl know has just sent my anxiety levels through the roof for the past month, and therefore made my binge/purge like 3 times more. And now I tend to avoid them more too, even though they are my best friends, just for fear that they'll bring it up, or I'll say something suspicious and stuff. So I'm pretty much just ashamed/embarrassed, lonely, anxious and depressed. Oh, and FAT as FUCK. bleh.

    At least I'm almost done school for the time being. Eventually I want to go to film school in vancouver but I have 0 dollars...and it'll probably cost close to 55,000...sooo yeah. That'll take a few years to save up. :( I've been lucky enough to have parents who paid for me to get my BA, and this'll be the first time that I have to become fully financially independent and it is stressing me out. I mean, there is nothing that I can even think to do with my degree. A BA in psyc is pretty dang useless, especially if you are afraid to talk to people. FML.

    WOW, didn't mean to write that much, but, as the title suggest, it's all just ramblings of a sleep-deprived/big fat whiner's brain. Time to go submerse myself in the fantasy world of Robert Jordan's 'wheel of time' series before bed, to try to induce pleasant dreams :P

Sunday, 05 December 2010

  • ...meh...

    Wow, it's been forever since I've written anything...

    Weight-wise i've been down to 133 then back up to 180, and everywhere in between. Right now i'm sitting at 162 and hoping to be 150 by christmas! I've been reading entries from my journals over the past 4 years and my life has changed so little that I wonder if I'll ever actually start to feel my age instead of feeling like i'm still in high school. The only thing that changes is that I become more and more introverted...which just makes everything a lot harder.

    I found a passage from a novel i had to read a few years back in a greek and roman studies class that i really like :

    " Such was my silent soliloquy; I could not weep. Eyes are known to have this property in the larger disasters of life. During moderate disasters, tears flow freely - interceeding with the persecutors for their victims and relieving those who suffer, rather like lancing a boil. But on occasions of overwhelming unhappiness, tears simply fail, deserting the battle and leaving the eyes alone; for as the tears rise from within, they are met by grief, which checks their progress along the path to the eyes and carries them down again, condensing in a steady stream, into the soul. There they aggravate the wound."

    - Kleitophon and Leucippe

    This makes sense to me, most of the time I am quick to cry at little things, like a beautiful song, or a sad book or commercial or something. But when I am actually feeling devastated about something I never cry...

    I HAVE to find some motivation to get to the gym. I've been good with doing my nightly toning exercises, but I've gotten to the point where my body won't change anymore by simply toning..i need to lose the fat above the muscle to see a change. There's no reason i shouldn't be able to because classes ended yesterday and exams haven't started yet so i have 4 days of just studying. Anyways...it's 6:00 a.m. so i should probably think about getting some sleep...I swear i was supposed to be an owl...

Friday, 28 May 2010

  • worse off...

    Well...wow it's been a long time.

    I never left xanga...i was just too depressed to even take the time for any introspection/blogging. Well last summer at this time i was living with my parents and doing really well with my restricting/exercising and was at ...133 lbs. Now, i'm living in a diff. town with a skinny beautiful roommate who i love and am back to binging and purging like a crazy person, and not exercising at all and am... 170 lbs. GROSS, i know. I don't know what happened to all of my motivation, i mean i'm wearing my fattest clothes and they are all tight on me, and everyday i go through the battle of whether i should just go buy some bigger ones so that i can be comfortable, or using my tight ones to remind me that this size is unnacceptable. So far the "keep the tight ones" mentality is winning, although it might also be because i have a shitty job with barely any hours and can barely cover rent, much less go on shopping spress.
    Growing up sucks. I wish i could go back...9 years and be 12 again, and just stay there. It was a good year. there's a reason that peter pan used to be my favourite disney movie, those kids never had to grow up...i was so jealous of them.
    I don't understand what ppl mean when they say that these are supposed to be the best years of my life...as far as i can tell, everything has just been going downhill since i graduated high school, if these are the best years of my life then....fuck.
    plus, i'm just really lonely. I've only had one bf, and that was 4 years ago, and it turned out he was cheating on me the whole time with someone far skinnier and prettier than me (hence the ED). Ass. w/e.
    And since then, everyone i've had a crush on has been very un-pursuable for one reason or another. First there is my good friend's brother (Luke), who is engaged...actually also the brother of another good friend (Darren)...who is ALSO engaged...weird. Then a cute older guy (Eric) who is the ex-bf of one of those girls, and who is also a christian who probably wouldn't date an agnostic... Then there is a gorgeous boy (Jared) who yet another friend has had a crush on for years. And now there is a really cute, sweet, awesome-at-singing boy (Alex) who i've started to become friends with through my now-roommate, but then they hooked up last week so yeah....
    Sometimes i wonder if i'm unconciously attracted to these guys because i know that nothing could ever happen with them...which would make a lot of sense. because although i'm a hopeless romantic and want love more than anything, the thought of a guy actually liking me scares the shit out of me. Such a contradiction, it drives me insane. But i think it is true, that you can't really be with someone until you are comfortable with who you are. And i can't remember ever being comfortable with myself so...that sucks.
    sigh...anyways, i'm rambling, i just needed to clear my brain, and since i can't talk to any of my friends about this (because i am or was crushing on all of their boys...yikes) i figured i'd let it out on here.

    confused about life/frustrated with weight issues... bleh

Wednesday, 27 January 2010

  • random questions/answers

    Copied this from a fellow xangan!


    1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? nope

    2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? like an hour ago out of university frustrations...gah!

    3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? sometimes if i can take it slow...

    4. How many brothers and sisters do you have? one 23 year old sister

    5. What is your favorite book? hmmmm....probably a whole 12 book series called the sword of truth series...

    6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? probably not...

    7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT? yup, it's pretty much my language!

    8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Yes

    9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? yes! actually going to do it in feb!

    10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? cinamon toast crunch!

    11. What is your favorite candy bar? snickers... yummmm

    12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? yeah, used to be a swimmer so i've got the built shoulders/arms...

    13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? mint chocolate chip

    14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? their smile...

    15. What is your favorite kind of music? hmmm hard to say, depends on my mood but usually rock i guess?

    16. What is your favorite song? it varies between "starlight" and "our time is running out" both by Muse

    17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? ...the person i used to be...

    18. What do you want to be when you grow up? a disney princess!!! lol jk, ummm maybe a production assistant?

    19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? bare foot and black pj pants covered in hearts with the name of my uni. on the leg...

    20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? sadly it was cheesies...

    21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? silence....and my roomie snoring cuz it's 5:30 a.m....yeah, pretty much nocturnal

    22. How many kids do you want when you get married? 2 or three...i've always wanted twins for some reason...but only if i can get a C-section! lol

    23. FAVORITE SMELLS? old spice body wash (on a boy), grass or pavement right after it starts to rain...

    24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? hmmm can't even remember, i rarely use my phone

    25. What place would you like to visit? scotland or ireland...loooooove the accents!

    26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? gymnastics/figure skating....or swimming cuz it's my sport...even though it's pretty boring to watch ...lol

    27. Do you like to play a musical instrument? used to play piano, now i'm learning flute...pretty random :P

    28. EYE COLOR? dark brown

    29. Do you wear contacts? Nope

    30. FAVORITE FOOD? either cheesy pizza, or mac and cheese....anything with melted cheeeeese! 

    31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? depends on my mood, if i'm alone usually happy endings, but if i'm with someone then i love to be scared!

    32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? He's just not that into you...

    33. What is your favorite school subject? art...too bad my parents won't pay for me to take it in univ.  ....apparently it "won't get me anywhere in life"...w/e

    34. SUMMER OR WINTER? hmmm winter because i can hide my body in fat clothes...but i hate driving in the snow...tough question...

    35. HUGS OR KISSES? hugs!

    36. FAVORITE DESSERT? my mom's trifle...

    37. Who is someone you admire? hmmm my roommate, she's only 21 and yet she's already involved in so many charities and stuff and is the most genuinely good person that i know!

    38. Diamonds or pearls? neither...but i love emeralds!

    39. What kind of car do you drive? 1993 jetta...it's pretty much dying....

    40. Favorite Clothing Store? le chateau, it's pretty expensive but it's the only place that i can always find something to fit over my boobs...lol

    41. When is your birthday? sept. 8th

    42. Are you a morning or night person? Definitely night...i think i'm part vampire...

    43. What is something you are looking forward to? graduating uni. so that i can ...do something else. haha, probably just take more school...maybe film school?

    44. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? a philosophy textbook....*kill me*

    45. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON T.V. LAST NIGHT? sigh...too poor for cable.

    46. FAVORITE SOUND? boys laughing...for some reason it's cuter than girls laughing...lol

    47. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?  beatles ftw!

    48. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? hmmm probably california...disneyland as a kid

    49. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? i'm amazingly good at blending into the background and going unnoticed...

    50. WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Victoria, B.C. Canada!!!

Tuesday, 01 December 2009

  • new month, new start

    well, i've been doing horribly this month...probably because november is when school = death. but this is the last week before exam period starts so after friday i can start to focus on my weight loss again finally. Less than a month until hawaii, and i'm 25 pounds away from where i wanted to be...so obviously i'm not going to reach that goal anymore...maybe..10? we'll see.
    also, my friends included me in their secret santa this year, and i got the one girl who i'm not close with at all and barely know anything about. any ideas for a present under 15 dollars that isn't completely lame? i'm thinking maybe something yummy smelling from the body shop...or else just a bunch of funny knick knacks....who knows...

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lil_fatty88

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    • Member Since: 3/23/2009

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